you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
