as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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