She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
