Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
