If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
