Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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