I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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