this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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