I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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