A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I still have a little drunk in my system
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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