considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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