I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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