Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize