Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
