Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
