"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
