literally had 100 drinks last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
