Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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