I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
