The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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