they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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