News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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