and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
