What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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