Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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