I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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