I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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