I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
