im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
