hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't deserve a penis
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
