so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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