those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
