Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We need to get me chipped asap
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
