I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
