You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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