How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
