I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
