just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
