If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
