I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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