I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
