I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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