I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
