you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
