Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize