My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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