my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
