there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
