my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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