WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
