I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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