And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
did you just send me my own nude
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