I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
