so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
