Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
