some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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