i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
