I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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