omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
