I puked a lego.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize