Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
