i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this just has baby written all over it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
