apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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