Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
