Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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