Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
