I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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