I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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