so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
