I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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