Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
